Man Down: Can You Survive The End Without One?

Inspired by this.

I live in Southwest Florida where the threats to mankind are skin cancer, heart disease, and running out of alcohol during a hurricane. The first two are very serious, but the last is usually handled through a bug-out plan of watching your Weather Channel iPhone app while hitting ABC Wines on the way to the airport, destination: Midwestern hotel and spa.

But what if your credit card, your plane ticket, and your man disappeared all at once? What gold digger's ready for that? This middle class Gulf gal’s got it covered.

My daddy can't wait for the apocalypse. He's been planning for it all his life. I grew up rolling my eyes at his prophecies. As an adult child of a would-be prophet, I have deleted his rambling emails--once he even boasted about selling freeze dried food at gun shows prepping for Y2K. He wants to believe.

Given that heritage, I've had lifetime to think about a survival plan, and mine was always The MaggieB: well-stocked, girl-captained boat off the Florida coast decked out in orange trees and ingredients for fish-fry breading. Any real Gulf girl eats her catch after a day of fishing the Everglades, and recently I've incorporated a kayak and a hammock into my plan.

My little girl daydream of escaping the end of the world didn't include a man. I have one today I'd die for, but what if he dies for me first? A girl's gotta have her own bug-out plan, mostly to avoid bug-eyed prepper boys.

I have great teeth--no dental mental breakdown in my apocalypse! I don't wear makeup or curl my long hair, and I don't get needles full of goo injected into my face. I don't need injections because I know the magic of Vitamin C and aloe Vera gel. In your Apocalypse's Garden in the Shade, grow some Clary Sage, some lavender, a bit of the grape.

And forget investing in gold, you're growing it! Early in The End, Botoxed babes will trade their jewelry chest of gold for your naturally handcrafted anti-aging serums. You'll be rich!

At least you'll have something to pay for something when something is worth anything again. Barter beats banks, but "gold has never been worth zero" at least to governments. Your power lies in the hoarding of designer gold earrings from women who think younger looking skin is the key to survival. Laugh all the way to the government underground bank with the spoils, girlfriend! ;)